Ease Your Mind
by JackPauls23
Summary: Of course, John, Alex, Laf, and Herc live together in a Toronto apartment. Of course, Alex and John like each other, and of course they get together. But, what if John's alcoholism an drug addiction gets in the way? The trigger warnings will be in the story.
1. Chapter 1

_**So, this is my new fanfiction. Updates are going to be slow, so yeah. I hope you enjoy the first chapter!**_

John's P.O.V.

"So, are we going out tonight?" Herc asks. Laf, Herc, Alex and I sit in our apartment in the living room.

"I can't," Alex says. "There are other schools coming to the one I work at. I have to be there to clean up after."

"I can go" Laf says.

"I will see," I say. "I am pretty fucking tired." Laf hands the bong to me and I press my lips against it. I inhale deeply, then let the smoke linger from my mouth.

"You guys are going to get in trouble" Alex says.

"You are, like, the only one who doesn't smoke pot in this whole damn building" I say.

"I am afraid I am going to get addicted."

"Whatever," I stand up. "Is anyone hungry?"

Everyone isn't hungry, so I head to the kitchen to search for some food for myself. "We need to do some groceries!" I yell. I slam the fridge door closed. "Who wants to come with me?"

"I will," Alex says. "I don't want you driving right now."

"I smoked a little," I put my jacket on and zip it up. "I will be fine."

"Give me your damn keys," Alex and I leave the apartment, while Alex holds out his hand to me. We walk down the elevator and I hand him the keys. "Thanks."

"I don't get what the big trouble is."

"I don't want you getting hurt!"

"Sorry." I mumble, looking down at my feet.

"Hey," Alex puts his hand on my shoulder. "You're all good." He pulls me into an awkward hug, then just wraps his arm around my shoulders. The elevator door opens and we go through.

I would never admit it, but I have had a big crush on Alex for a little while. Well, since I first met him, which was only a year ago. We met at the book store where I work. We started hanging out, and he eventually moved in with Herc, Laf and me. The three of us were living together since collage, which we all graduated about three years ago.

The elevator doors open and we walk outside. I like autumn. It is so beautiful and the weather is always perfect.

We walk down to the parking garage and go to our Chevrolet Cruize. The four of us own two cars together, so we just use them whenever. I actually bought this one myself, but I don't drive a lot, other than when I don't have the time to be on the bus. I hop into the passenger seat and Alex behind the wheel.

"Be careful," I say. "I don't want you speeding."

"I get it. You have gone over all the rules for driving your car." Alex pulls out of the parking garage, then onto the road.

"Yet, you never listen to them."

"You love me, you can't say no." I hate this sometimes. He says this because we are friends. He isn't afraid to say 'I love you', or if I get a kiss every now and then. I do that too, but it feels weird saying it to Alex, even though he doesn't notice the difference.

"I can say no," I say proudly, but then mumble, "just not to you."

Alex smiles, which makes the sides of his eyes crinkle. Soon enough, we are at Costco. We get out of the car and walk in.

"This place is huge" I say, looking around.

"Have you never been here before?" Alex asks.

"No, I never go to this part of the city," I look around. "Why the fuck did we go all the way here, when there is a Sobeys five minutes away from the apartment?"

"We are going to the mall afterwards. I am taking you shopping."

"I can shop for my own shit. Plus, I don't have a lot of money right now."

"That doesn't matter. I will use my money."

"I am not taking your money."

"Shut up and eat this," Alex takes a sample of cheese off a tray and stuffs it in my mouth. He gets his own, then yells with his mouth still full, "grab that watermelon!"

"Calm down, Donkey Kong," I grab the watermelon and set it into the cart. "Give me the cart. I don't trust you."

"Fine!" Alex whines. "I am going to look for more samples."

I bite back a laugh, and walk off. I walk down near the frozen food and grab some eggs. I start to walk again, then Alex comes up behind me and puts his hands on the side of the cart. He begins running, then pulls his feet up with mine.

"Alex!" I yell. We slide across the floor, then I put my feet down to stop us. "Alex, you are not a kid anymore." I turn around and look at him.

Alex looks down at me, keeping his hands on the cart, caging me in. "You're right, I'm not a little kid. Though, I am an adult who wants to have some fun."

I don't know why what he says makes me blush and my stomach turn. Alex smiles, then let's go of the cart.

"I am going to go get something. You finish shopping, then meet me out at the car." Alex says.

"O-okay." Alex walks off, and I sigh.

I finish with shopping, then go out to the car. Alex sits on the hood, looking at his phone.

"What did I say about sitting on my car?" I ask.

"To not to." Alex says.

"Then why aren't you getting off it?" I open the trunk and start filling it with grocery bags. Alex jumps off the car and starts helping me.

"So, what did you get?" I ask.

"Something for you."

I look over at Alex, but he doesn't make eye contact. "Why?" I put the last bag in the trunk, than close it.

"I wanted to." Alex climbs behind the wheel, and I sit next to him.

I wanted to say that I thought we were going to the mall, but I keep my mouth shut. I don't like bringing stuff that I don't want to do.

I know I am supposed to say something, but I don't. There is nothing for me to say. Therefore, it is quiet the whole way home. In the elevator it is quiet, walking down the hall, it is quiet.

We walk into the apartment and go into the kitchen. Alex starts putting the groceries away, and I look over into the living room. Laf and Herc are lying down on the couch. Laf is lying on top of Herc, and looks like he is about the fall asleep.

"John?" I look over at Alex.

"S-sorry."

_**The story may take a little while to get interesting, but we will get there. It is only a matter of time (sorry). Please R&R and have a good day/night! Love you guys!**_


	2. Confessions

_**Second chapter for you guys! I really hope you enjoy this chapter. I love writing this story.**_

I end up going with Alex to the school tonight. I don't know why. I didn't want to go to a club with Herc and Laf. They have never said that they are dating, but it is pretty obvious.

Anyway, I don't want to be the third wheel, and them ending up ditching me. Plus, I didn't want to stay at home by myself because I am going to do something stupid. I am going to get drunk, or high, or fucking hurt myself. I have a history for self-harm. It isn't about the self-hate or comfort anymore –it is more about the obsession. It feels weird not going a day without doing anything like that.

"So, why are these kids staying late?" I ask, as Alex and I walk through the halls.

"They have some concert," Alex says. "Afterwards parents are going to the classes and talking with the teachers. I have the clean up the gym and some other shit."

"I still can't picture you as a janitor."

"Even with my rolling cart of cleaning supplies?" Alex says referring to the cart he is rolling and the blue, jean jumpsuit.

"I can't see you as the guy that everyone knows and that you know everyone."

"Well, look around." Alex stops at the gym doors. I peep through the window and see chairs set up with adults, some children and annoyed looking teenagers. I look and see children on the stage, acting.

"How long do we have to stay here?" I ask.

"You don't have to stay here at all," Alex looks down at his watch. "If you are staying with me it will probably still take an hour and a half."

"Okay." I walk over and go sit on the heater.

Alex walks over to me and smiles. "Do you wanna do something to pass the time?"

I can't help, but smile and blush. I nod slightly, and Alex smiles. I jump off the heater and Alex grabs the cart. He pushes it into a dead-end hall.

We start walking straight ahead. We stop near the end of the hall, and Alex. opens a door.

"It's an old music room," Alex says, switching the lights on. "They used it as a French class for a little while, but now it just sits here when they need it. I like coming in here. It has a calm...vibe to it."

"I like it too, but could you turn off the lights?" I ask. "Sometimes florescent lighting gives me headaches."

"S-sure." Alex turns the lights off, and puts his phone light on for a second. We walk over to the one steps and sit down. Alex turns the light off, and we sit in the dark.

"This is nice." I say after a couple minutes.

"I told you," Alex whispers. Alex puts his hand on mine. I don't know why he is so touchy with me lately. I know that sounds weird, but I swear that we are touchy like friends are. He is just being weird now. "I like that you are fine with physical contact. I like being able to have this friendship." Did he just read my mind?

"I have noticed that you only really do this with me." I reply.

"You are the person that I trust the most. I only actually touch people when I am close to them."

I look down and lace our fingers together. Alex puts a piece of my hair behind my ear. I look up at him, and we both smile.

"C-can I hug you?" I ask.

"Yeah, sure," Alex says. I wrap my arms around him, and press my face to his shoulder. "Always and forever." Alex rests his chin on my shoulder. "Why did you ask if you could hug me?"

"I wanted to make sure you were okay with it."

"No, no, I want to know why you wanted to hug me."

Why should I answer this? Why does he want to know this? I sigh. "I don't want to be alone. I want you to stay with me."

"You are not alone. I will always stay with you."

I just start crying. Alex squeezes me tighter, and I curl up to him.

"I don't want to hurt myself again." I whisper.

"What did you say?" Alex asks.

I sniffle, and let go of Alex. I rub my face with my arm. "N-nothing." I can't believe that I haven't told him about my self-harm yet. I don't know why. Maybe it is because I don't want him to hate me.

Alex pulls me in again and rubs my back. I have stopped crying, but I hold onto Alex's shirt, and keep my face pressed to his chest.

An hour goes by quickly after that. We stay silent most of the time. Alex tries asking me some questions, but I don't answer.

We walk into the gym and Alex starts cleaning. I sit down in a chair and start scratching my right arm. Soon there is a big red mark and my arm stings, but I don't stop. I don't care.

The next thing I know, Alex is beside me. He grabs my hand and stops me scratching. "Don't," he says. "You are too important."

I nod slightly, but my hand goes back to my arm and starts scratching. Alex sighs and sits next to me. He takes my hand and holds it. This-this somehow seems to calm me. I don't pay attention to the pain I want to feel right now.

"I want to know why you started crying earlier." Alex whispers.

I just stare ahead. I don't want to say anything.

"You are going to have to answer me soon," Alex lets go of my hand and puts it on my leg. "You can't keep this hidden forever."

I have kept the secret of my self-harm for years. Why couldn't I do this? This is actually going to be pretty easy.

After about half an hour Alex is done with cleaning and we head home. I try to just go to bed, but that doesn't work. You see, when four people live in an apartment and there are only three bedrooms, two of you are going to have to share. Alex and I share a room. At least we have separate beds.

I walk into the bedroom and Alex is sitting on the edge of his bed. He is holding a black tank top.

"Are you going to put that on?" I ask.

Alex looks up at me. "Of course," he looks back down at the shirt. "I was just wondering if I should wear this one." Alex stands up and slips the shirt on. He closes the drawer, then lies down in his bed.

I flick off the light and climb into my bed. I stare up at the ceiling, and put my hands on my chest.

_**You guys are great. I am glad that my shitty writing is getting somewhere. Love you guys! Please R&R!**_


	3. All sorts of things

_**So, this chapter is called 'All sorts of things'. Trust me, it will live up to its name. It has, Lams, Mullette, JeffMads, all fluff and some funny stuff. Though, don't get use to this. Angst shall come soon (I swear I'm not evil). **_

I feel someone shake my shoulder. I open my eyes and see Alex above me.

"I don't understand," he says. "Why is being gay such a bad thing?"

"That is what you woke me up for?" I ask, sitting up.

"Think about it," Alex stands up and flicks the light on. He sits back on the side of my bed. "If two males were able to reproduce, it would be a normal thing. Since two girls can, it should be accepted more. Though, there are some weird-ass guys who only accept it because they have a lesbian fetish."

"Get to the point." I don't understand how he doesn't see I am clearly annoyed.

"I just want to know your opinion on being gay."

"Alex, I am gay. I hope you know that means I am fine with other people being gay."

"What is your opinion on two friends who are roommates being a couple?"

"If you are talking about Herc and Laf, I already know. I am pretty sure everyone knows."

Then, Alex kisses me. He pulls away from me slowly, but we stay close.

"I hope you were okay with that." Alex whispers.

"I didn't know you liked me," I say, grazing my lips over his jaw line. "I have wanted this for longer than you could possibly know."

"Wait one second," Alex gets up and walks to his satchel. He takes something out, then he comes back. He sits in front of me and hands me a Costco bag. "I just remembered that I got you something."

I slowly take the item out of the bag. It is a plain, black book. I flip through the pages, then look up at Alex. "Y-you got me a sketch book?"

"I noticed the one you have is almost full."

I kiss Alex. The sudden action makes him fall. I stay on top of Alex, just kissing him. I finally pull away, and roll off of him.

"I have harmed myself." I say, almost crying.

Alex goes on his side and looks at me. "What?"

"That is why I went with you today. I didn't want to hurt myself anymore then I already have."

Alex puts his hand on my arm, and slowly pulls the sleeve up. I stop him. "I don't feel comfortable with this." I say.

Alex nods, but I start crying. He pulls me in, keeping with him tightly.

I am surprised that Herc and Laf don't wake up from the sound of me crying. They have always known about my anxiety and depression, so they try to take care of me. Though, they don't know the half of it.

I also have a panic disorder and I take Prozac and Zoloft. I have been seeing the same therapist since I was fifteen after my first suicide attempt. I also tried two years ago. I also write letters to myself, telling myself why the day is going to be good. It is kind of pathetic, but it actually helps.

I tell this all to Alex: everything about my mental state. I thought he would be disgusted by me, but all he wants to do is help me. I am glad I now have someone like this, even if he is just being a good friend: the good friend who kissed me; the good friend who admitted that they like me.

I wake up before everyone the next morning. I decide to go up on the roof. It is calming up there, and I try to go every day.

I push the doors open and go sit at a small table, and two chairs. I look out at the city. I grab some cigarettes from my pocket. I really want to smoke a joint right now, but I don't want someone complaining about me.

I light the cigarette, then put the rest back into my pocket. I inhale deeply, then let the smoke come out from my nose. I put my hand on the ledge, and watch the smoke linger up into the air with the car exhaust from the cars four stories down. I hate the traffic here.

I hear the door open. I look over and see Laf. He walks over and I toss him my cigarettes. He catches it, then lights one.

"How was it last night?" I ask.

Laf exhales his smoke, while talking. "It was pretty boring," he coughs a couple times, then leans back. "Herc and I went to this club, and they were playing the shittiest country music."

"Well, all country music is shitty."

"You are wrong on that. Mandy Moore? Invisible Ink?"

"True."

"Anyway, we left and went back home. We ordered a pizza, then went to sleep."

"No you didn't."

"No we didn't. Are you happy to hear that?"

"Sure," I throw my cigarette on the ground, and extinguish it. "I have to work today. I am going to get ready."

"See you later."

I put another book on the shelf, then look around. There are quite a few people in here. At least it is a big book store. I couldn't work in a small one, like, in a mall.

"Excuse me." I turn around and look at a small man, with dark skin, short, curly hair, a cream coloured scarf, and a jacket.

"Aren't you a little warm in here?" I ask.

"N-no, not really," he says. "Uh, I was wondering if you had an opinion on two books."

"Yeah, which ones?"

He holds two books up. One of them is Be More Chill, and the other is We Are All Made of Molecules.

"That is pretty tough," I sigh. "Uh, I think if you like drama's, pick We Are All Made of Molecules. If you want something funny, and you can't put down, pick Be More Chill. They are both really funny books, and if you want, just buy both of them."

"Thanks," he smiles. "That helps," he holds out his hand. "James Madison."

"John Laurens, nice to meet you." I shake his hand, then put it down to my side.

"Wait, do you happen to know Alexander Hamilton?"

"Yeah, he is one of my roommates. Why do you ask?"

"I met him a couple times through my friend Thomas Jefferson. He is Alex's ex-boyfriend."

"Y-yeah, I remember meeting him at a party. Alex didn't really bring him over."

"Cool, I w-was just wondering," James coughs. "Uh, thanks for the advice with the books. I will buy both of them."

"Here," I take the books and we walk down to the front of the store. I go behind the counter and check them. "Ten dollars."

"Really? That is really cheap."

"This store is pretty awesome."

James hands me the money, then thanks me again. He leaves the store, bumping into Alex. I sigh and Alex walks up to me, giving me a hug.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, letting him go.

"I just woke up, like, an hour ago," Alex says. "Laf said you were here, and I wanted to see you."

"Well, I am going on my break in ten minutes. Can you wait, and we can go out quick?"

"I could spend all my time in this place," Alex looks around. "Come find me in ten minutes."

"Bye."

Alex walks off somewhere.

James' P.O.V.

I lie on my stomach, on my bed, with my feet in the air. I have already started reading We Are All Made of Molecules. John was right: this is an awesome book.

I hear the door open and close. "I'm back!" Thomas shouts. He walks into the room, but I keep looking at my book. Thomas lies beside me, and wraps his arm around my waist. He starts lightly kissing my neck.

"Where did you go?" I ask.

"Out." Thomas says.

"I know you did, but where did you go?"

"I got some food," Thomas starts kissing my shoulder. "It is on the kitchen counter. What are you reading?"

"We Are All Made of Molecules," I giggle, and flip the page. "I went to the book store and saw John Laurens."

"Alex's friend?"

"Yeah, I didn't know he worked there."

"Me neither."

I know that Thomas doesn't like talking about Alex. It was a pretty messy breakup. They were thinking about getting married, but Alex moved in with his friends, became more distant, then screamed at Thomas that he had fallen in love with someone else.

Thomas was pretty upset. It took a year more him to finally be okay, then he asked me out. We have only been dating for a couple months, but I hope it is going to be longer.

Thomas takes my book, then flops on his back. He starts reading it. I turn on my back too, then take the book. I put it on the side table.

"So," Thomas says, "I was wondering if you want to go to this party tonight. We don't have to stay long, but it is at the Schuyler mansion."

"Who invited you?"

"Eliza, she is a cool girl."

"Y-yeah, sure, we can go to the party."

"Okay, do you want to eat something, watch a movie, do some other stuff?"

"Do some other stuff? Like, what?"

"Maybe stay here in bed, just you and me? Well, maybe we can bring the food in here. I am pretty hungry."

I giggle and kiss Thomas.

John's P.O.V.

"Eliza just texted me." Alex says. We are now at home sitting on the couch. Well, Alex and I are sitting on the couch, and Laf is sitting on the ground.

"What does she have to say?" I ask, taking a sip of water.

"She wants to know if we want to go to a party that her, Peggy, and Angie are throwing."

"Sure" I say.

"Yep," Laf says. "Herc! Come out here!" Laf yells, looking down the hall.

"Leave me alone! I'm taking a shit!" Herc yells.

We all giggle a little. I hear the doorbell ring, and I stand up. I walk to the door and get our Chinese food. I pay the guy, then walk into the living room.

"You guys have to pay me back," I say, sitting down. We all get our stuff, and begin eating. "Anyone want anything to drink?"

"Nah." Laf says.

"No thanks." Alex says.

Herc comes out from down the hallway, doing up his belt. He sits next to Laf on the floor, and grabs some Ramen.

"What did I hear about a party?" Herc asks.

"Eliza is throwing a party," Alex says. "We are going."

"I don't have a choice?"

"Do you really not want to go?"

"I guess I want to. Thanks for thinking about me."

_**So, this chapter was a little longer than the first two, but this is probably going to be the new length of them. Well, it depends. I may get another chapter out today. It depends if I have some free time between classes. Thanks for reading, R&R. I love you guys! Have an awesome day/night!**_


	4. the party

_**So, I am writing this on Thursday and I am not sure what day I am going to put this out. I may have some spelling or grammar mistakes because I am trying to write and watch Station 19 at the same time. It is kind of difficult, so some stuff may not make sense. Trust me, I am big on grammar and if someone messes it up I get so mad. **_

About an hour later we are walking up Eliza's driveway. It isn't a big house, but everyone calls it a mansion because of an inside joke. I have no clue what this joke is, though.

We all just walk in, and it is pretty crowded. There is music blaring, and I already want to crawl in a corner and never leave. I grab onto Alex's shirt to get his attention.

"Can we go somewhere that isn't that crowded for a minute?" I ask.

"Yeah, let's go," Alex says. We walk downstairs and into a bedroom. "This is the spare bedroom. This is where I sleep when I stay over." Alex closes the door behind us, letting the walls make the music quieter.

I sit on the side of the bed, and Alex sits next to me. He takes my hand, and squeezes tightly.

"Are you okay?" Alex asks. "I know you don't like big crowds."

"I'm okay now," I say. "You are here, and helping me through this."

Alex looks at me and kisses me. I put my arms around his back, and Alex puts his hand on the side of the bed. He slowly lies me down, and he stays on top of me. We just stay like that, kissing, everything quiet around us.

"Thanks," I say. "I'm sorry, but not yet."

Alex rolls off of me and rubs my side. "It's okay. We are going to take our own time. We will get to it."

"Thank you, baby." I quickly kiss Alex, then press my face to his chest.

"You look tired," Alex says, running his fingers through my hair. "Do you want to stay down here?"

"N-no, I want to enjoy your time here, so go join the party."

"I want to lay here with you." I cuddle closer to Alex, and take in his sent: Axe body spray, and Chamomile tea.

James' P.O.V.

I stand in the corner of the kitchen in the Schuyler's house. Thomas stands in front of me, with one hand on the wall.

"Are you okay?" Thomas asks. "You don't look too good."

I run my hands up and down his chest. "Can we find a quiet place?"

Thomas chugs the rest of the alcohol in the red solo cup, then takes my hand. We walk through the crowd of people, and head downstairs.

Thomas kisses me, pinning me up against the wall. I grab onto his shirt, trying to pull him closer to me. I just want more. This is all I want.

"Do you want to find a bed?" Thomas asks, putting his hand up my shirt a little.

I can't even answer in words. I just nod quickly, and kiss Thomas again, putting my hands through his floofy hair.

Thomas and I walk a little, until my back is pressed against a door. Thomas fiddles with the doorknob, until it finally opens.

We push through the door, then I stop. Of course, ruining the moment, Alex and John are lying in the bed in this damn room. OF FUCKING COURSE!

I don't swear a lot, but God, I just want some alone time with my boyfriend.

"H-hey, Alex." Thomas says, pulling away from me.

"Hey, Thomas," Alex says, pulling John closer. "If you guys make more noise John is going to wake up. So, shut the fuck up."

"Is he like a damn baby?" Thomas says. "Who cares?"

"Just shut the fuck up!" Alex whisper yells.

"Let's just find a different room." I say, gripping onto the front of Thomas' shirt.

Thomas takes my hand. "Okay, baby," he kisses my forehead quickly, then looks back at Alex. "See you later."

"Hopefully not." Alex whispers.

Thomas sighs and we leave the room. I close the door behind us. Thomas leads me into the room beside the bedroom. It is a small living room, but it will work.

John's P.O.V.

I didn't realise that I fell asleep until Alex is shaking me awake.

I look up at Alex. "Hey," he says, smiling at me. "Are you rested up now?"

"No." I mumble, rubbing my eyes.

"We have been down here for about an hour. Do you want to go back upstairs?"

"Honestly, can I just go home?" I ask. "I am really tired."

"Yeah, we can go."

"No, you stay here and have some fun. I will take the bus home."

"I-I don't want to leave you, though."

"You have to make sure Laf and Herc get home safely."

Alex sighs. "Okay, you just get some sleep, okay?"

I nod. Alex and I get up and we walk upstairs. It is still so crowded, and I don't think it is going to die down anytime soon.

"Hey!" I look over and see Eliza. She hugs me, then Alex. "Where were you guys?"

"Sleeping," Alex says, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. It feels weird that one of the first people Alex told about us is Eliza. Then, he told Laf and Herc. It feels weird that I haven't told anyone yet. "John is going to head home and get some sleep."

"You do look pretty tired." Eliza says, putting her hand to my face and rubbing her thumb under my eyes.

"Yeah," I say. "I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately."

"Well, I will see you later, John." Eliza says, walking off.

I sigh and hug Alex quickly.

"Call me when you get home." Alex says.

"I will." I say.

I have to walk down a couple blocks before I get to a bus station. I take my phone from my pocket and put my ear buds in.

_There is something in the way you roll your eyes_

_Takes me back to a better time_

_When I saw everything is good_

_But now you are the only thing that is good_

I hop on the bus, and get I get a seat somewhere in the middle. I lean my head against the window. The cold air feels nice. I look up to the sky. The clouds look thin, but they are thick. The sun just shines a little from behind them.

_Walk me home in the dead of night_

_I can't be alone with all that is on my mind_

_So say you'll stay with me tonight _

'_Cause there is so much wrong going on outside_

I feel the bus turn, and my stomach flips. I hate this. I don't know why I take the bus. Maybe it is because I have been taking it all my life. My song changes.

_Devil town is colder in the summertime _

_I will lose my mind another thousand times_

_Hold my hand tight_

_We will make it out another night _

_I use to get scared at something new_

_But now I feel safer when I am with you_

_Fallin' doesn't seem so bad_

_When I know you'll be fallin' this way too_

_Were all dead in devil town_

_That's fine_

'_Cause nothing is gonna scare us now_

The bus stops and I get off. I start walking down the sidewalk, then I head into the park. I found out about this short cut a couple months ago. I still haven't told Laf, Herc, or Alex because they never walk.

I get home, but don't stay for too long. I go up to the roof and start smoking. I know Alex hates the smell of smoke, so I try not to do it inside.

I cough a little, then blow the smoke out through my nose, and a little through my lips. I look out at the city, and the lights. It sucks that I can't even see the stars here.

I hear the door squeak open and close. I look over and see Aaron Burr. He lives right above us.

"Hey." I say.

"Hey," Aaron says. He sits down across from me. "I didn't know you smoked."

"Yeah," I say looking down at the cigarette. "I quit at one point, but I started stress smoking."

"I have done that before. It is really hard to quit." Aaron takes a sip of his coffee.

"What are you doing up here?"

"Sometimes it is nice to get out," Aaron says. "I work at home, so I don't get out much."

"Why do you work at home?"

"Well, I moved here from Ottawa because it was cheaper. I really needed the job, so I do government paperwork, then send it down."

"So, you are pretty important?"

"Oh yeah, the government would go to shit if I just left."

"Wow, I didn't know that."

"Well, now you know."

I extinguish my cigarette. "Well, I'm going to bed. I will talk to you after."

"Goodnight, John."

I smile weakly, then walk back down to the apartment.

"Hey, baby?" I keep my eyes closed, but I feel Alex rubbing my back. I feel like shit. Man, it is weird what drugs can do to you. Well, I didn't do a lot last night. A little weed and crack. I move a little. "Babe, wake up."

I slowly open my eyes, and look at a concerned looking Alex. "Are you okay?" Alex asks.

"Y-yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I ask.

"You were tossing and turning, talking in your sleep. You were having a nightmare."

"I-I don't remember what I was happening." I mumble.

I turn on my back, then Alex lies on top of me. He puts his head on my shoulder.

I giggle. "Your beard is tickling me." Alex begins kissing my neck. I wrap my arms around Alex, and slowly fall asleep again.

_**Songs in this chapter.**_

_**Walk me home: Pink**_

_**Deviltown: Cavetown **_

_**You know what's weird? I am writing this authors note right now and listening to Ben Platt's Ease My Mind, which I named this off of. I just realised that as the song was finishing. Anyway, I will let you go on about your day. Love you guys, R&R, and have a good day/night!**_


	5. you're not a fg

I slowly open my eyes and see Alex getting dressed across the room. He pulls his shirt off, then starts looking for another one.

"You're so cute." I mumble.

Alex looks up at me and smiles. "Of course I am." Alex walks over to me, and sits on the side of the bed. He puts his hand on my face and rubs his thumb across my cheek.

"I love your freckles," I smile a little, and pull Alex down on the bed beside me. "Why do you still have a sweater on?"

I look down at my plain, grey hoodie that is too long on the sleeves. I push my face to Alex's chest.

"I don't want you seeing my pain." I whisper.

"Pardon?" Alex asks.

I just shake my head. I can't even talk right now. I feel like I am going to cry.

Alex's P.O.V.

John keeps his arms wrapped around me, and his face pressed against my chest. All I want to do is help him.

I wonder why he doesn't want me to see what he has done. I know I shouldn't push it, but if I see them, I will know when he does it more.

"Can you make me something to eat?" John asks, looking up at me.

"Y-yeah, sure, what do you want?" I ask.

"Could you just get me some cereal? I will be out there in a second."

"Okay. J-just, don't do anything."

John nods quickly and shakily. I smile, but John doesn't smile back. He turns around and curls his body.

I stand up and slip on a shirt. I walk out of the room and into the kitchen. I grab some cereal from the cupboard and pull it into two bowls. I know John is lactose intolerant, so I don't give him milk.

When I turn around, John is standing at the two stairs that lead into the kitchen from the living room. He is still wearing that grey hoodie. He has the hood up and he is wearing black shorts.

I put the two bowls on the table. I sit in a chair, and John sits across from me. He pokes at the cereal with his spoon for about a minute before taking a bite.

"Do you work today?" I ask, trying to make conversation.

"Yep," John says, then takes a spoonful of cereal. He chews and swallows before talking again. "I am starting at noon."

"Until what time?"

"Six." John sighs.

Herc and Laf pop into the kitchen. Laf calls John and they go into the living room. Of course, they are probably going to smoke some pot. Herc grabs John's cereal and begins eating it.

"Why are you using the same spoon as John did?" I ask.

"Because," Herc says with his mouth full. He swallows. "I know John, and I don't care. So, what are you doing today?"

"I think I am going to go to the gym with Laf, or concentrate on some of my writing."

"You are starting to write again?"

"I never stopped," Herc and I just stare at Laf and John who are getting high in the living room. "I have just been busy lately, so I haven't been writing as much."

"When do you write?"

"Late at night," I finish my cereal, then put the bowl in the sink. "Come on, Laf." He takes the bong away from his mouth. "We are going to the gym."

"Okay, yeah, sure" Laf says, standing up. John puts the joint he has out, then stands up.

"I am going for a walk," he says, slipping on his coat. "I will be back."

"Change into pants," I say. "It is cold out there."

John groans, then walks into the bedroom, closing the door behind him. He comes out thirty seconds later with a pair of jeans on.

"See ya, guys." John says, opening the door, then closing it behind him.

"We know that you guys are dating, why didn't he kiss you goodbye?" Herc asks, washing the dishes from yesterday.

"That would have been so cute!" Laf yells from his room.

I walk down to my room, and find a pair of jogging pants. I slip them on, then grab a black muscle shirt. I slip that one, then put a sweater over top.

I walk out of the room, closing the door behind me. "I am ready when you are!" I yell to Laf. I sit down on the couch.

Herc walks in and sits next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. I am pulled next to Herc. He is one of those guys who only hug and show affection to other people when he is really close to them, same as me.

I get out of Herc's grip, then put my head on his lap and I dangle my feet over the arm of the couch.

"What are you doing?" Herc asks.

"I need some relationship advice," I say, looking up at him. "I really want to make John happy, but it isn't working."

"It is going to be really difficult to have a relationship with John. He isn't one of those people who are happy all the time and going to love you all the time. He has to concentrate on loving himself first. You have to come second."

I think about that for a moment. Would it be better if I broke up with John? I need to give him his own time to love himself. I need to do this for him, though, will that make it worse?

I don't have a lot of time to think before Laf walks into the room.

James' P.O.V.

I rub my eyes, then spin in circles in my swivel chair. I stop and look back at the computer. I stare at it, trying to find the answer, but it doesn't work.

"What are you doing in here?" Thomas asks, walking up behind me. He puts his hands on my shoulders, then puts his head down near mine. "What are you looking at?"

"What the hell is that thing?" I ask, looking at the picture.

"Is this one of those games where you have to guess what the hell the picture is?"

"Yep" I say, popping the P.

"I'm no good at these things," Thomas kisses my neck. "Do you want to come get something with me? Food? A drink?"

"Help me with this, then I might go with you." I say.

"Just say it is a crow."

"No, no, it looks like a cat."

"Then say it is a cat, or just look at the damn answer."

"There are no answers: that is the point. You are supposed to try and see what the picture looks like. You put your comment down on the bottom, and the most common answer will win."

"So you will never actually know what the fuck it is?"

"Nope. You know what? I am just going to put cat down," I type it down, then get off my laptop. "Let's go."

Thomas and I go down to the cafe. I like that he isn't afraid of holding my hand in public. He is proud being my boyfriend.

"Look at that," Thomas says pointing to a painting of a bridge and ocean. "That looks like Lake Ontario."

"It does," I say. I pull Thomas over to a table in the cafe and sit us down. "I am glad we are taking today for ourselves."

"I like it too. I just like you." Thomas has said that same sentence I bet over one hundred times, but every time it makes me blush a fiery red.

"Well, well, well, look who it is." Thomas and I both look to our right and see John Adams, George Fredrick, Samuel Seabury, and Charles Lee.

"What the fuck do you guys want?" Thomas asks, squeezing my hand tighter.

John sits down. "I thought they had a no f*gs policy."

"I guess they have an open door for assholes, though."

Thomas use to be friends with these guys, until they ditched him because they found out that he likes guys. They have been bothering him since Junior year of high school. I have always wanted to say something to them, but I don't have the guts.

"Well I'll be damned," George says. "James Madison. I haven't seen you since collage."

"I always knew he was a f*g." Charles says, sitting down with George and John. Sam stays standing up though.

"Leave him the fuck alone." Thomas snarls. He doesn't really get mad a lot, unless it has to do with him fighting with Alex, or if someone makes fun of me. Trust me: he gets scary when someone makes fun of me.

"What's going on over here?" Herc asks, walking over. I always forget he works here.

"These guys are being dicks," Thomas says. "Real homophobic assholes."

"Oh yeah?" George asks, standing up. Thomas stands up too.

"Calm down, guys." Herc says, but he is too late. George punches Thomas, which causes a fist fight in the middle of a small cafe.

Herc tries to intervene, but gets punched himself. Then, he kicks both Thomas and George out, with the other boys. Now, I am sitting at a table having a panic attack because my boyfriend got hurt, and the fact that everyone was looking this way, and now everyone is looking at me.

Herc helps me up and brings me to the back of the shop and we sit down in the break room. I put my hands up to my hair. I feel like pulling it out.

"Hey, hey," Herc says, soothingly. "You're okay. Everything is going to be okay." He sits next to me, and lets me hang off of him like a damn koala.

"I'm sorry," I say after I am calm. I wipe my face. "I hate having to rely on other people."

"It's okay," Herc says. He looks around, then back at me. "You should go see if Thomas is okay –he took a pretty nasty hit."

I nod quickly, and Herc helps me stand up. We walk to the front, and I walk outside. Thomas is sitting outside on a bench. I sit next to him and hug him tightly.

"Is your eye okay?" I ask, touching it lightly.

"I'm fine, babe," Thomas says, taking my hand away from his face and lace our fingers together. "Are you okay?" Thomas puts his face in the crook of my neck.

"I'm fine. I just needed to calm down a little."

"Okay," Thomas looks up at me. "Do you want to go home, or do you want to go somewhere else?"

"First of all, it is my home, you just stay there all the time. Second, I don't want to be stuck at home, I want to go out."

Thomas smiles. "Okay, let's go out."

_**Wow, it was really hard for me to write that chapter. I don't even like writing f*g because it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I have to deal with assholes like that every day because of my super homophobic school (hopefully you guys saw my Heathers reference).**_


	6. Get John

_**Trigger Warnings: PTSD**_

Alex's P.O.V.

I sit on a bench, waiting for Laf to come out from the bathroom. I don't know what is taking him so long. I look down at my feet, and realise my shoe is untied. I sigh and tie it up again.

"Alex!" I look up. Peggy runs over to me. I stand up and hug her. "What are you doing here?"

"I came here with Laf," I say. "We are going to leave right when he gets out of the bathroom."

Peggy takes her hair elastic from her hair, then reties it.

"Your hair is so pretty when it is down," I say, patting her head. "You should wear it like that more often."

"It always goes in my eyes, and it kind of annoying because it won't stay behind my ear. It hardly stays in this damn ponytail."

"Still."

"Is John working today?"

"Y-yeah, why?"

"Eliza told Angie and me about you two. Afterwards Angie told a whole bunch of people, and I told a couple because I was a little drunk." Peggy demonstrates how little. I giggle. Trust me, I don't giggle.

Peggy taps the end of my nose, then takes my hand. "Come on, you are coming with me."

"Where?" I ask as we start walking.

"I want to introduce you to someone."

"Can I text Laf and tell him I am with you?"

"Sure." I take my phone out and send a quick text to Laf. I look up and see the people looking at Peggy and me. I wonder how many people think we are a couple.

"Alexander Hamilton?" Peggy says.

"Margarita Schuyler." I say.

"This is Maria Lewis, and Sally Hemmings." Peggy points to each girl while saying her name. "Guys, this is my friend Alex."

"H-hi" Maria says, waving a little.

"Hello." Sally says. I can already tell she is a bubbly person.

"Hey." I say.

"So," Peggy says, sitting up on a table. "How are Herc and Laf doing?"

"They are fine," I say. "Doing normal couples stuff."

"Didn't you say Laf is your ex?" Maria asks.

"Yep" Peggy says, popping the P.

"Bonjour!" I turn around and see Laf walking over. "Hey, Peggy."

"Hey, Laf."

"Alex," Laf says, turning to me. "Herc sent me a text. John came home early today. He has been sitting on the roof for about an hour, and he wants you to talk to him."

"O-okay," I say. I turn to Peggy. "Sorry, girls, but I have to go."

"See you, Alex" Peggy says.

"Nice to meet you" Maria says.

"Bye, girls." Laf says. I try to walk a little fast. I know this is going to be bad.

John's P.O.V.

I sit on the ledge of the roof, my legs dangling down. I look out in the city and feel like I want to throw something, do something, hurt something. It could be so easy to hurl myself off the roof right now. I could land on the ground and forget everything.

I move a little closer off the edge. I press the palms of my hands against the edge. I press harder and harder until I feel a cold spot on my hands. I watch blood drip down the side of the building. I don't even want to move my hands. I just want to keep putting more and more pressure on them.

"Hey," I say. "I miss you. I have been thinking about you a lot lately, and I just wish you were here. I know, I know, it has been over two years, but that doesn't make the pain go away," I clear my throat. "So, I know that you never liked talking about this, but I have been feeling more and more pain each day. This pain is killing me."

"Who are you talking to?" I turn my body around and see Alex. He walks over to me leans against the ledge. "Come on down from there."

I turn away from him, and look down at my feet.

"Herc told me you have been up here for about an hour." Alex says.

I don't answer, instead, pressing my hands against the edge harder.

"I want to talk to you," Alex pauses for a moment. "A-about what's wrong: a-are you doing okay?"

I want to tell him, I really do, but not yet.

Alex sighs sit pulls himself up on the ledge. I like how Alex keeps his distance. I don't like that he is trying to push all this shit out of me that I am not ready to tell anyone. He is distance with presents, but not with his voice.

"C-can you just leave?" I ask barley above a whisper. "I-I just want to be a-alone."

Alex sighs. He kisses my neck, then stands up. "If you want to talk, you know where to find me."

I don't answer, or nod. I just keep staring out into the city. I hear the door open and close. Then, I start crying.

"I never meant to make this such a mess."

Alex's P.O.V.

I walk into the apartment. Laf and Herc are sitting at the kitchen table. They look up at me when I walk in.

"Is he okay?" Laf asks.

"Where the fuck is he?" Herc asks.

"I don't know if he is okay, and he is still on the roof." I say, answering both of their questions.

"Why the fuck would you leave him up there by himself?" Herc asks, pushing past me. "You don't know what crazy shit he is thinking about doing."

Laf and I follow Herc.

"Has he done this before?" I ask.

"Yeah." Laf says.

"Uh, he sounded like he was talking to someone. D-do you know who this is?"

Herc stops dead in his tracks. He turns around and looks at me. "H-he wasn't talking to himself?"

"No, it sounded like he was talking to someone as if they were there."

Laf and Herc exchange glances, then start walking a little faster than we were before.

"What am I missing here?" I ask.

"When something bad happens to John is talks," Herc says. "He talks to his sister. She was the closest to him and she committed suicide about two years ago."

"John only talks to her when something bad has happened."

Herc, Laf and I run up the stairs and onto the roof. John is sitting on the ledge crying. He is talking too. Herc closes the door softly, making sure John doesn't know that we are here.

"I'm sorry," John sobs. "I never meant to hurt you like this. I didn't want you gone. W-why did you have to leave?! I just want you back! I w-want you, p-please come back! Y-you can't leave me again!"

I look over at Laf and Herc. They look over at me too. We all start walking over towards John. I slowly put my arms around his waist, and put my chin in his shoulder. Herc and Laf surround us in a hug.

John just breaks down even more. He tries to get away from us, but we don't let go.

"You can't leave me," I whisper into John's ear. "I know this is difficult, but I need you. We all need you and we all love you."

John pulls his legs up onto the ledge and leans into my chest. I see blood on John's hands. Herc and Laf back off, and nod. I close my eyes and hug John tighter.

"Let's go get you cleaned up." I whisper.

_**Okay, I swear I love you guys, but I just really love angst, sorry. Hopefully there will be another chapter up today, but no promises.**_


	7. Don't Worry

_**Here is a little fluff for you guys. I really hope you enjoy!**_

Alex's P.O.V.

"Yeah, he isn't coming in again," I say over the phone. "He isn't doing too good."

"Okay, thank you."

"Thanks." I hang up the phone, then look towards the bedroom. John hasn't left that room in six days. He drunk only two glasses of water, and eaten two sandwiches.

I grab my phone and throw it across the room. I watch it hit the step, then slide against the floor.

I sigh, then stand up. I walk across the room, going past my phone. I knock on the bedroom door three times, then open the door.

John has his back turned to the door and the covers over him. The lights are off and the window has the blackout curtains blocking the sun from coming in.

"Hey, John," I whisper, closing the door behind me. I sit on the side of the bed and rub his back. "I have to go out and get some food. I will be, like, ten minutes," I kiss the top of his head. "Love you."

I stand up and leave the room.

I open the door, and set the plastic bags on the kitchen table with my keys. I go to take my coat off when I look over towards the living room. John sits on the couch, looking at me.

I finish taking my coat off, and set it on the chair. I go sit on the steps.

"How are you feeling?" I ask.

"A bit better." John says. You wouldn't be able to hear him if you weren't trying to listen.

"Do you want to talk?" I ask.

John nods, and pats the couch. I slowly stand up, then sit next to John. He moves a little bit closer to me.

"M-my sister," John begins. "My sister committed suicide two years ago. The night before she did it we were yelling at each other. She found me cutting myself. Those were our last moments together. I-It was my fault she died and I know it. I-I talk to her a lot. I try to tell her that is was my fault. S-she will always leave when I say that. I just want her back. She was –and still is– my best friend."

I wrap John is a tight hug. He curls up to me and soaks my shirt with tears. I don't care. I am with my boyfriend and I love him. I will do anything for him.

"It isn't your fault, John," I say. "People chose what their actions are. You don't choose them. She did it herself: it was her choice. As bad as that sounds, it is true, and I am truly sorry."

John wipes his face. "I-I got your shirt all wet."

"That's fine," I say kissing the top of his head. "I am glad you told me. I am glad you are being open with me."

John grips onto my shirt, and keeps me in a hug.

"What do you say that I make up a fruit tray for you?" I ask, tickling John's sides. "I bet you are hungry."

John giggles, then looks over at the grocery bags. "You aren't making a fruit tray," John looks back at me. "You bought one."

"You caught me," I say. "I will go get you it."

John bites his bottom lip and nods.

John's P.O.V.

I never thought that telling Alex what happened with Martha would help, but it did. I went back into the room before Herc and Laf came back.

Alex was nice enough to lie with me for a couple hours. We didn't really do anything, or say anything. We just laid there, everything quiet, with my boyfriend. This is something that I have wanted to do since I can remember.

"Alex?"

"Umhum?"

"Thanks for doing this," I say. I turn around to look at Alex. I rub my hands up and down his chest. "You are the best boyfriend anyone could ever have. I am glad that you are mine."

"I'm glad that you are mine too." Alex kisses the end of my nose. I giggle, and Alex tickles my sides.

"Can you do something?" I ask.

"Y-yeah, anything" Alex says.

"C-can you kiss me?"

"I can always kiss you." Alex leans in and kisses me softly. I wrap my leg around his and get as close as I can to him.

"I love you." I whisper.

"I love you too." Alex whispers kissing me again.

_**Please R&R and have a good day/night! I love you guys!**_


	8. Chapter 8

_**Hey, guys. This is another shorts chapter.**_

The next day Herc and Laf are surprised to see me out of the bedroom. They are even more surprised when I say I am going to work.

"Can I drive you?" Alex asks, slipping his coat on.

"Why?" I ask, taking a bite from my peanut butter sandwich.

"Well, I have to go to the school, so..."

"Fine," I say. "Bye guys."

"Are you sure you want to go today?" Laf asks, leaning against the one post.

"I'm fine," I hug Laf and Herc tightly, then take Alex's hand. "See you later."

Alex and I leave the apartment and go down to the elevator. We wait with another person, who must be visiting someone, or is new in the building because I have never seen them before.

The doors open and we all get in. I stay close to Alex, keeping his hand tight in mine. We get to the lobby, then head out. We walk out to the car. We drive in silence, until we get to the second stop light.

"Are you going to be okay today?" Alex asks.

"I will be fine," I say. "If I need anything I will call Laf."

"No, call me."

"No, you can't leave work, then you will just be worrying for the rest of the day."

Alex taps his fingers on the steering wheel quickly, and the light changes. We begin driving again. I put my hand on Alex's, then bring it down between the seats. Alex squeezes tightly.

"I know you are worried about me and that is a good thing, don't get me wrong," I say. "Though, you have to let me be my own person. I need my space and independence."

Alex just nods.

We get to my work I go to get out of the car, but Alex locks the doors. I look back at him.

"You're right," he says. "I am worried about you. Maybe it is the fact that you spent six days in your room, and you almost didn't eat or drink anything. You have only eaten one thing today, and haven't drank anything, and it is already two in the afternoon."

I am surprised when Alex hits his head on the headrest, and starts crying. I pull Alex into a hug. He melts into it, and cries on my shoulder.

"Alex, it's okay, I am okay, you are okay." I say.

Alex pulls away from me. "I am supposed to be strong for you. You are going through a really hard time right now." Alex wipes is face with his arm.

"Alex, this is a really tough time for you too," I push some hair behind his ear. "We are going to be fine."

Alex nods shakily.

"We will be okay." I kiss Alex quickly, then unlock the doors. I step out and walk into the store, not looking back.

James' P.O.V.

"Thomas, what are you doing here?" I am standing above him in the library. He looks up at me from the table. "You look like shit." There are bags under his eyes, and his hair is everywhere –not that it always isn't everywhere, but, like, really messy today.

"I got locked out of my apartment," Thomas says. "Can I have the spare keys?"

"You could have just went to my place."

"I am pretty sure you made it clear that you don't want me in your apartment."

"Thomas, you knew what I meant."

"I thought you meant I wasn't allowed in there."

"Thomas, stop being so fucking difficult," I sit down across from him. "I just meant that you can't always be there. If you get locked out of your apartment, sure, go in. You just can't always be there."

"Maybe I just want to be with you," Thomas says, sitting up straight. "You are my boyfriend, and I want to spend as much time with you as I can. You are always at work, or out, and you never want me to go with you."

"I would want to go with you if you wouldn't spend so much time with me."

"So, you just don't want to be with me?"

"Thomas, I need my space."

"Fine," Thomas stands up, making his chair make a loud noise against the ground. "I will see you later."

"Thomas, go to my apartment, I will be home in about two hours."

"No, just fuck off, I don't want to talk to you."

Thomas walks out of the library. I sigh, then push the chair in.

_**Okay, by the way, I love JeffMads.**_


	9. Update

I know I haven't been updating lately. I have some shit going on in my life and I have been having to take a break (pun not intended) on my writing. I can't consentrate and I hope you guys understand. I will have a new chapter out as soon as I can though. By the way thank you to StellaAthena36. You have helped me continue my writing more than I was going to. So, thank you


	10. Thats Weird

So, I'm back. I am sorry for the spelling mistakes. I had to write this on my phone. Anyway, I am doing a little better now and I have gotten some help. My new updating schedule will be on Saturdays or Sunday's. I will probably only write one chapter per week, but if I'm feeling good I will write two chapters.

Alex's POV

I watch a small kid run off. He always talks to me, and is just the sweetest little thing. He is actually Eliza's younger brother, Phillip.

"Mr. Hamilton, come to the office." I hear over the P.A. system. That is weird. I put the broom to the side, then walk down to the office. Someone is standing at the doors who I would expect to see: Thomas.

"W-what are you doing here?" I ask.

"Do you possibly still remember how to pick locks?" Thomas sighs. He does not look happy here.

"Why?"

"I locked myself out of my apartment."

"Go to James' place."

"We are kind of in a fight right now, so I can't."

"Thomas, why would I do you this favour after all the shitty things you did to me?"

Thomas doesn't answer.

"That's what I thought."

"Fine," Thomas sighs. "I will see you later."

"Hopefully not." I turn and walk away. That was weird. Thomas hates me, tortures me, then thinks I am going to help him? What the fuck?

JOHN'S POV

The store is closed, so I just lie on the counter. I am so tired.

"What are you doing?" Jamie asks. He works the same shifts as me and we have became pretty close.

"Waiting for Alex to pick me up." I say. "He said that he would pick me up. He probably just forgot...again."

"You look tired." Jamie puts his elbows on the desks and looks at me. I hate eye contact, so I look away, occasionally looking back at home.

"I am." I rub my eyes. I sit up and look towards the doors. "Where the hell are you?" I whisper to myself.

Alex finally shows up half an hour later. Jamie had already left, so I got the store to myself.

"I am so sorry," Alex says walking over, "the fucking tire blew out. I had to change it. I didn't do the best job, so that is why the car ride home may feel a little weird."

"That's fine," I sigh. "I was just really worried."

Alex kisses me, then I jump off the counter.

"Let's go. I am so tired."

"Fuck, me too."

So, I have an Instagram and if you want to follow me I just post fanart pictures. Some that I drew myself and some I didn't. Anyway the username is hamilams123. I love you guys, have a good day/night, and be safe!


	11. Locked out

**_Here is a little JeffMads for you. _**

**_James' POV_**

I feel really bad for yelling at Thomas, so I decide to head over to his apartment. I step out of the elevator and turn right.

Thomas is sitting outside his door. He is asleep and still wearing the same clothes as yesterday. I kneel beside him and shake his shoulder lightly.

"Hey, Thomas." I say quietly.

Thomas looks up at me then rubs his eyes. "H-hey."

"What are you doing outside your apartment?"

"I told you. I locked myself out."

"So you slept out here?"

Thomas looks around. "I guess so."

"Do you want to go inside?"

"No," Thomas sighs. "I want to go to your apartment, but I know you don't want me there."

"Thomas, I came here to apologise. I was mean and a little harsh. I was having a bad day and I am still a little pissed." I look up at the door then back at Thomas. "Let's go inside. We can just...hang out. Does that sound good?"

Thomas nods. He is so cute right now. He reminds me of a little kid when they get woken up in the middle of the night.

I stand up and unlock the door. Thomas stands up and follows me into his apartment. I put my keys on the side table. I walk into the living room and sit on the couch. Thomas slowly walks over and sits next to me.

"Come on." I say, patting my lap. Thomas lies down, putting his head in my lap. He closes his eyes while I play with his hair. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Thomas says. "I love you and that is what matters."

**_Sorry for being slow on the updates. Shit has been happening at home and it has been really tough for me. I will try to update as much as I can_**.


	12. Chapter12

**Trigger warning: homophobic slurs **

"Yeah, Alex and I have been doing good. Our relationship is pretty healthy." I say.

"Just don't forget, you have to take care of yourself too, not just Alex." Dr. Sherman, my therapist, says.

"I-I know, I just wanted you to know that we are taking things slowly and he is trying to help me with my life right now."

"Let me ask," he leans in closer to me. "Is he actually helping you or is he trying? Do you feel better with what he is doing?"

"Of course I feel better with what he is doing. He is helping me so much. He...he is the best."

Dr. Sherman sighs. Did I say something wrong? "Well, I wish we had more time but the session is over."

"Thank you, again." I shake his hand and stand up, exiting the office.

I go to the front desk and see Sally behind it.

"Hey." I say casually.

"Hey, John." She says with a small smile.

"Are you coming over tonight?"

"Well, if the sisters are, sure, I will go."

"Cool."

"Anyway, I talked wth Doctor Sherman and you have an appointment next Tuesday at 4, okay?" Sally writes something down on a pink slip and hands it to me. I stuff it into my pocket.

"Thanks."

I exit the office, putting my earbuds in and letting Radiohead take me away from reality.

Once I get back to the apartment, I head right to the fridge. I groan seeing nothing. Hopefully Herc will remember to get some groceries after work. I close to fridge door, then look to my right, where a smiling Alex is looking at me. My first instinct is to punch him. I nail him right in the nose.

"Holy shit!" I yell, taking my earbuds out and placing my phone on the counter. I kneel next to Alex who is holding his nose in pain. "I didn't know anyone was home. Are you okay?" I wrap Alex in a hug.

"I'm fine. My nose just hurts."

"I am so sorry."

"It's not your fault. I freaked you out." Alex pulls his hand away from his face.

"Babe, your nose is bleeding. I will get you some tissues." I stand up and get the box in the living room. Alex slowly follows me, then takes the box. He presses some tissues to his nose.

I here the door open and close again. seeing Laf walk in. "Hey, gu-what happened to you?"

"John punched me in the nose."

"John, quit abusing your boyfriend."

"I didn't mean to!" I yell.

"Whatever, who wants to watch something?" Laf catapults himself into the couch.

X

For a little while that night, we had the sisters over. Sally wasn't able to go. We didn't do much, just watched some television and had a couple of drinks.

Now I am sitting in my room, with a sketch book in front of me. I could draw anything that I wanted, but I just keep staring at this blank page.

The door slowly opens and Alex peaks his head through. "Hey, the game ended. What are you still doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep." I lie. I could fall asleep if I wanted to, but I feel too stressed. I don't want to tell Alex that though.

"What are you drawing?" Alex sits on the side of my bed.

"Nothing. I can't think of anything."

"Well, that's fine. You should try and sleep at least."

I mumble something then stand up. "I am going for a walk."

X

I don't end up falling to sleep. I stay up all night running through the city. Thoughts pop into my mind..not the good ones.

_Useless, Embarrassment, Crazy_.

I try to shake them from my mind.

_Not good enough, loser, unloveable_.

I keep running and running, trying to get these thoughts out of my mind.

_You're worthless! A faggot! _

My fathers words, implanted in my brain. I only stop once I slip on the wet pavement, banging my head against the ground.

One part of me wants to get up, but the other wants to stay like this, letting people trample me. Though, I stand up and go back home.

Right away, I roll up a joint and go stand on the fire escape. I inhale deeply, feeling smoke fill my lungs, then, I slowly exhale, making the pain of not breathing last longer.

"Hey." I look behind me and see Alex in a gray hoodie and some black track pants.

I turn away from him and look back out into the city.

"When did you leave this morning?"

"Early." I say. Easy lie.

"Like. what time because I woke up at five and you were gone."

"Four."

Alex sighs and sits down on a chair. "Are you okay, John?"

"I'm fine."

"John, I can tell you aren't fine. You only smoke when you are stressed."

"It's nothing, Alex. I just need to get my heart calm. I was running for a long time."

Alex is about to say something, but someone knocks on the door. He sighs and stands up.

I turn around slightly and watch him. I see Peggy at the door. They talk for a moment before Alex walks back to me. I turn around again.

"Hey, uh, Eliza is having some trouble. I am going to go over. Will you be fine here until Laf gets home from the gym?"

"I'm not a baby, Alex." I take the joint away from my mouth and mumble, "I can take care of myself."

I can pretty much feel Alex's pain. "O-okay." I wait until I here the door shut, so go into my room and grab the razor under my bed.

**Hello! I am back. I'm still not doing the best, but I have realized that writing is helping me calm down. So, here is a chapter for you guys. Please, comment so I can improve my writing. Love you all, stay safe, and have a good day/night!**


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